Things have been pretty quiet here…

I sewed a couple more Star Trek shirts, but for the most part haven’t been doing much. My kitty was sick for the past month sadly. I want to take a moment to talk about her, because while this is a sewing blog, it’s also my personal blog and I want to commemorate her. I will warn you there is talk about depression and suicide in this entry.

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In 2000, I was living with my sister and my nephew in my first year of university. The year had just ended and our neighbor’s mom came by with a litter of the most adorable kittens. All different colours and really different from their mom. They all had a mix of white and another colour and long fluffy fur. I held each one. But one little grey and white fluffy ball wasn’t happy with being put down again and crawled up my leg and fell asleep to me petting her. I was in love. I was so lucky that my sister let me take her in. I think Sarah understood how much I needed her.

My first two years of university were the hardest time of my life. I started off the year in residence on campus. I was emotionally unstable, depressed, and suicidal. In November, I attempted suicide and was kicked out of residence. I am so thankful to Sarah for taking me in without question.

My second year of university was a mix of things. I was in group therapy, individual therapy, still continuing my classes, and living with a roommate that grew to hate me over the year. We were incompatible and by the end of the year I left in the middle of the night when she became threatening. We were both going through tough stuff that year and I’ve let go of my bitter feelings and realized my part in the situation. It’s easier to forgive than to hold on to anger.

At some point during the year after getting Trinity, I decided to fight to live. There’s something amazing about having a little soul rely on you completely that can change your perspective on life. I consider Trinity the catalyst for my survival, but I know it was my strength that helped me want to live. I moved in with my parents for my third year of university and did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets to help change my thoughts about myself. I used to have Hilroy spiral notebooks filled with my thoughts written out to help me when I wanted to hurt myself. I would write the negative thought and then on the opposite page rewrite it for positive thinking. At first, it was hard and then it got easier and eventually I didn’t need the notebooks and I did it automatically in my head. These days the positive thoughts come first 90% of the time and when they don’t I can catch the negative thoughts and deal with them. I haven’t hurt myself in 14 years and I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in around 13. I’ve grown to love myself.

Trinity was my comfort the entire time. She was always attached at the hip to me. She’d come running and great me at the door when I came home. Stayed close to me wherever I was in thw house. When I was sick, she was under my covers cuddling me and purring me to help heal me.

She was also impossible as cats can be…as humans are. She destroyed a bunch of couches and chairs.

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But of course, she left her scratch pad untouched:

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She wasn’t the smartest cat and certainly didn’t treat everyone like she did me. We moved around a lot in Canada: Ontario, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland. The move back to Ontario when she was 9 was the toughest one on her and she was pretty jealous of my husband for taking the attention from her. She was a dirtbag, but she would still cuddle me and purr and follow me around.

I loved her unconditionally and completely and could never thank her enough for being my first excuse to live. I had convinced myself my family was better off without me but Trinity wouldn’t be. She needed me. She was there during my entire adult life.

She died in my arms last night in our home aided by a wonderful mobile vet. It’s difficult to let go and say goodbye. She isn’t suffering anymore.

Pet loss is a tough thing. It’s difficult and painful. I will be seeing her in the corner of my eye for years to come and hearing her little bell. It will be tough for a while.

Thank you, Trinity. I love you.

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48 thoughts on “Things have been pretty quiet here…

  1. It’s SO hard to lose our little furry friends, but take comfort in the fact that your little buddy isn’t suffering anymore. She was lucky to have such a wonderful friend to cuddle with and to love for all these years. Sending you gigantic hugs & lots of love.

  2. Andie, I am so sorry about your kitty baby passing. I am tearing up at my desk reading your post; loosing a pet is horrible and it sounds like you drew strength from your girl so this can’t be an easy time for you. I hope memories of the good times and maybe some therapeutic sewing will help ease your pain!

  3. Animals have far more compassion than humans and can sense when we need them. My dog Doc has been for me what your Trinity was for you, so I completely understand that bond. I’m so sorry she left you. 😦

  4. What a lovely tribute! RIP, Trinity. Andie, I’ve always been impressed by your maturity and intelligence, and now after learning about this part of your life and how you overcame such a difficult time, it all makes sense. My mother attempted suicide (wound up in a coma for a week) many years ago, and I really wish that she and I had the coping skills that you describe to work through our pain. Thank you for so much for sharing!

    • Thanks so much, Donna. I really appreciate your words. I hope you and your mother have made peace. I know how difficult it must have been for both of you. So many hugs for you. ❀ ❀

  5. This brought tears to my eyes because it was a similar story with me and my best friend and furry soul mate, Starsky. It’s been almost three years since he passed and I still miss him. I’m so glad for you that you got the chance to experience the amazing joy and love such a special companion can bring, and even if no one else ever understands the bond you had with her, you will always carry it with you, until you meet again on the other side ❀

  6. My heart aches for you Andie as I know how special our furbabies are. Thank you for sharing your past struggles; you are a strong woman. Kentucky and I send you comforting purrs and hugs.

  7. Beautifully written and well said Andie. My condolances. Furbabies are so easy to love (even when they’re being stickers) and hard to say good-bye to. Hugs.

  8. Oh, Andie. I’m so sorry–both for your history, and for your loss. I’m glad Trinity found you and gave you what you needed to still be here today, but I am so sorry you’re hurting right now for losing her. She was lucky to have you.

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss, Andie. We had to say goodbye to my 17-year-old kitty Dante back in February–I think there are a lot of parallels between our stories, and I still miss him every day. The last few months with him were rough from a health perspective (but hey, I can now administer subcutaneous fluids to a cat), but I’m so glad that I had as much time with him as I did.

  10. We are all so glad you found a reason to live. I’m Β so sorry for your loss.Β 

    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    From:”Sew Pretty in Pink” Date:Fri, Oct 16, 2015 at 7:17 AM Subject:[New post] Things have been pretty quiet here…

    Andie W. posted: “I sewed a couple more Star Trek shirts, but for the most part haven’t been doing much. My kitty was sick for the past month sadly. I want to take a moment to talk about her, because while this is a sewing blog, it’s also my personal blog and I want to com”

  11. I’m so sorry for your loss. Feeling choked up here and trying not to think about my own kitty, who is starting to get old and creaky now. I know, obviously, that I’ll lose him eventually, and it hurts to even think about it. He ignores his scratching post, too, and can be a real dirt bag, but also he’s MINE and even if he’s fed and patted and snuggled, he cries for me if I’m not there, and comes running when I come back. Such a sweet presence in my life (mostly).

    I’m so glad you had such a lovely companion in your life – and I know you gave her a wonderful life too, and she was lucky to have you. And I’m glad she helped you use your strength to do all that hard work, and stick around. ❀

  12. So sorry for your loss, Andy. Pets plays a major role in our well being. I know I sometimes detest my Seamus, but I wouldn’t miss him for the world. Who needs a scratching post when there are chairs and couches to chose from?! And special kitty blankets???? Nope. I’ll sit on your lap human, that’s way more comfortable. Even if you might not think so….
    Lots of hugs from me. It’s not the same as kitty hugs, but all the love you are getting here may help a bit. xxx

  13. Damn them for dying so young! Lucy has strict orders to not get sick, but I worry because she’s definitely getting old and creaky and she’s never been very good about listening to me. Lots and lots of hugs to you.

  14. Oh, Andie, I’m so sorry to hear about your kitty. I had similarly depressive thoughts when I first got my cat, and there were times when I actually thought, “Why does my cat have to love me so much?!? If she didn’t love me, I could just be dead and everything would be better.” Depression is such a scary thing.

    Even though it’s hard, try to remember to take care of yourself during this tough time–schedule sewing time, take a bubble bath, light candles and put on a record and write, etc. I’m here for you if you need to talk. πŸ™‚

    • Thanks so much, Nicole. I’m glad your cat was there to help you through your depression. Pet therapy makes such a difference. I’m really glad we had both our cats to be the reason not to leave. As much as family supported me, it was Trinity’s reliance on me that made me want to stay. You can’t say no to such a cute and fluffy face. πŸ™‚

      I’m definitely taking a step back and caring for myself. It helps to have an incredibly supportive and patient partner through this. I might even get back to sewing tonight and cut out a circle skirt for a simple/quick project. πŸ™‚

      Many hugs to you! ❀

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